4 male ponytails
The other morning, when I sat down at the back bench of the #4 bus, there were only 2 male ponytails on the entire bus, one up front (Ponytail #1), then one sitting near ME, who had thin, unkempt hair, kinda fuzzy and balding on top, then as you go down the length of the ponytail, you can see where the gray used to be red not so long ago… Fastener of Choice? One of those Goody ponytail holders that you wore your pigtails in when you were 8. With the little colored plastic balls? His was green, so maybe that was a conscious choice to complement the formerly red hair.
Then Ponytail #3 gets on the bus and sits between me and Ponytail #2. His hair is red throughout (although he was older, maybe the same age as PT #2) and twisted tight, then styled in this really elaborate up-do. Fastener of Choice? This wooden chopstick thingie embellished with what looked to be Celtic carvings. He lends more proof to the receding hairline theorem that my brain’s grabbing onto at this point. He REEKS of bargain cologne and is wearing an unstructured (and UNfashionable) jacket of natural fibers.
At Lyndale/Franklin, Ponytail #4 gets on and sits directly across from PT #3. He’s younger, dressed like it’s 1992 (motorcycle jacket and stonewashed jeans, anyone?) and proves the hairline theorem beyond reasonable doubt. Fastener of Choice? Nondescript rubber binder. They begin chatting about (any guesses?) THEATRE. Ugh. Not even good theatre, like… LOCAL theatre. They both begin affecting this air of high culture, yet are betrayed by their sub-par manner of dress. They escalate their attempts to one-up each other on critical knowledge of “the biz,” which creates increasingly loud and self-conscious laughter from both. Each gesture and guffaw, bringing the noxious cloud of cheap cologne ever closer to my personal space…
And that’s how my day began. Stepping off of that bus into the fumes of Hennepin Ave and homeless and guys hitting on me was like breathing for the first time in a grassy meadow full of deer.
May 3rd, 2007 at 3:32 am
Wow.
“Not even good theatre, like…LOCAL theatre.”
Wow again. From all of us involved in the local theatre scene — all of us actors, writers, directors, dramaturgs, designers and loyal audience members, thanks so much for enlightening us to the quality of our theatre scene. Somehow we were under the horribly mistaken impression that there was excellent theatre to be had here in town — that Minneapolis offered a wealth of great theatre to be seen, even at the low-budget level, thanks to our vibrant arts community. But CLEARLY, we were all mistaken. And you, you Maven and Expert on everything from coiffeurs to fashion to live entertainment, have cleared our blinded eyes like a shot of Visine ™. Thank you for helping us to see that what we thought was good theatre is actually rubbish, that what might have been actual theatre knowledge and experience coming from these mid-chat men on the bus was SURELY idiotic fakery, and that — of course — ponytails and natural fibers on men are a terrifying sign of the coming apocalypse — the Universal Death of All Things Tasteful.
I am SO glad we all have you to set us straight…
…you blazing, astonishingly egomaniacal IDIOT.
May 3rd, 2007 at 4:11 pm
I read that as “Not even good theatre, like [for example]… LOCAL theatre.” Meaning they were talking about who knows what other distant involvements, and not the scene here.
May 5th, 2007 at 4:20 pm
Folks, take a breath… she/he/it is spending his/her/their free time worried about other people’s interaction, yet has no time to do any of their own, except to a nameles, faceless, crowd such as us. I don’t know about you, but I read this for giggles. I don’t take it farther than that….
May 8th, 2007 at 1:20 pm
Um. Minneapolis is supposed to have some of the nation’s best local theater communities.
And, as an actual fashion expert, I would also like to say that the male ponytail *is* in style again and can be done very well.
Jun 6th, 2007 at 5:27 am
remember that under every ponytail there is an a***hole
Mar 17th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
Wow, you theatre kids sure get your undies in a bunch easily, don’t you?
Sep 1st, 2008 at 3:44 pm
This was kinda another pointless story that says more about the author than those she is so poignantly observing. Why is it in the top stories??? I think theater and ponytails are lame too but I don’t like chocolate ice cream and im not going to crap on those that do.
Now if the ponytails were clip-ons that would have been some funny shit.
Jul 14th, 2009 at 11:16 am
Lipstick on a Pig. When I was in my late teens and early 20′s, I finally became independent enough of parental authority to grow my hair out. In those days, even if one could get his parents on board, the school would send boys home for a haircut if it didn’t conform to its standards. Free at last, I discovered that my coif was more Krusty the Klown than Tod Rungren. So when the disco thing came along, off it went. My youngest son was born just before I turned 44, and as a 12-year-old, wanted to grow his beautiful hair long (takes after mom in that regard). Given my own history, it would have ben the apotheosis of hypocracy not to let him, but his mom is old-school and was opposed. In solidarity with him, I bergan growing mine as well. I’m also balding on top now like the bus guys, but discovered to my amazement that my thinner hair strands now behave much better at longer lengths. Until a couple weeks ago, it was down to the middle of my back. I realized that this was becoming an obsession, rather than about how good it looked, and the ends needed to be trimmed for further growth to occur in any event. So now it’s just below the shoulder, and still pony-tail-able. I know I may look a bit ridiculous at nearly 60 with this mop, but the alternative is to look like a fat old ****. . A Republican ****, perhaps. So to Amy: I know what I look like. It’s just the best I can do with ever-diminishing resources. It’ll happen to you someday, if you’re fortunate enough to live this long.
Jan 8th, 2010 at 10:23 am
Schoene Site! Der Post ist interessant. Danke dafuer.
Jun 17th, 2010 at 4:06 am
Hello, I also like the Shrek movies, super film!
Aug 24th, 2010 at 9:28 am
Hi people… thanks, but why the hell does this underwear seem to be green??
Jun 9th, 2011 at 5:33 pm
I love how everyone missed the point of this story. It’s FUNNY! It’s AMUSING! What are the odds a bunch of dudes not only with ponytails but with artsy hair clips end up on the same bus?! Is it a sudden epidemic? Everybody chill and enjoy the stories >_<