Huffin’ Paint

admin — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 16:10:28 +0000

*This is my mom’s bus tale and it’s old but I still love it. On a sparsely populated bus from the first-ring western suburbs, a man gets on the bus on that stretch of Olsen Memorial Hwy immediately west of downtown. After a few minutes he takes out an empty soda can and starts huffing paint or some sort of solvent from the can. Everyone on the bus is visibly disturbed as a strong chemical smell permeates the bus.

Two younger urban gentlemen are minding their own business, chatting quietly, when one of them catches the smell, cuts off the conversation and starts looking around the bus, loudly asking “WHAT’S THAT SMELL?” and craning his neck around until he finally notices the huffer. Exasperated, he exclaims, “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOIN’? Stinkin’ up this bus, makin’ all these nice people sick! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKIN’?” The huffer is too dazed to respond. The young man calls out, “DRIVER!!! PULL OVER!! PULL OVER!!” which, surprisingly, the driver does. The two young men grab the huffer by the jacket and haul him out of the bus, depositing him on the boulevard on hwy 55 and get back on the bus, which explodes with applause for the young heroes.

Man say “BAM!”

admin — Thu, 30 Aug 2007 22:29:39 +0000

I don’t know if the LRT falls under the jurisdiction of Bus Tales (and if not, maybe it’s time for a Rail Tales companion site?), but my wife hears the best conversation on the Hiawatha line. She told me this bit of dialogue between two young men a while back, but it’s still stuck in my head:

A: Where we goin again?
B: Downtown.
A. We HATE downtown.
B. They got food.
A. I could use some MAC-Donalds.
B: You don’t want no Mac-Donalds. You want healthy style.
A: Shit…
B: Onions… mixed greens… bell peppers.
A: I don’t NEED no bell peppers.
B: What’s you talkin about? Course you need bell peppers. It’s like Emeril Lagasse say.
A: Emera-what?
B: Emeril Lagasse! Man say “BAM!”

Bus Tales » 55

Huffin’ Paint

Man say “BAM!”