“Excuse me, sir,” I said, “may I be of assistance?”

“Yeah, what bus is this?”

“The 6, sir.”

“Oh, thanks. I’m waiting for the 17.”

“Same here; it is running late.”

“Thank you.” He found his way away from the curb and waited for the bus. Eventually, the bus that we needed showed up, but due to the traffic in its lane, it had to stop further back and let people off and on from there. Again the guy was trying to get on from where he was, 2 meters away from the door.

“Excuse me, sir,” I said, “but the 17 is trying to pull up. The traffic made it stop further back.”

“Oh, thanks,” he said, attempting to grab my arm. “Will you help me on, please?”

“Certainly, sir.” I helped him on the bus, and then helped him find a seat. No one was making space for him to sit, even though there were empty seats, and so I made a space for him. “There you are sir.”

“Thank you for helping me,” he said.

“Always a pleasure. Do take care.” And off I go towards the back of the bus to try to find a seat for me and my stuff. I should point out that I was carrying a very full backpack as well as another equally full bag of groceries and some miscellaneous items. Despite there being open seats, no one was willing to make space for me either, and so I decided to just stand. A young lad, couldn’t have been much older than 17, was carrying the same amount of stuff and already had a seat. He was kind enough to make a little tower out of his stuff on his legs so that I could sit next to him and do the same.

Eventually, enough people cleared off the bus so that I could have my own seat for all of my stuff and the other guy could have space for all of his stuff. Being heavy-laden on a bus really sucks, but we all must do what we must do. Anyway, we get to the bus stop for the gentleman who was blind. He gets off of the bus, but then cannot find the sidewalk due to all of the snow in his path. The people towards the front of the bus ignore him, and so I get up, tell the driver to wait for me, and help him again. “Excuse me, sir,” I said, “but the sidewalk is this way. May I be of assistance again?”

“Oh, yes, thank you,” he smiled. “I want to head east on Minnetonka Boulevard.”

“Excellent, sir. We’re now on the sidewalk, and you are now facing east,” I said once we were on the sidewalk.

“Thank you again.”

“A pleasure, sir. Take care.” I get back on the bus and resist giving my fellow passengers sour looks for not being willing to help a fellow person, especially the ones sitting in front next to the doors. Oi.

Every time someone boarded, especially the pretty young girls, he’d sing about them. The ladies all swooned around him… giggling all the way. Hilarious yet creepy, especially since he was wearing a Santa-style baseball cap complete with red velvet and fuzzy white trim, in the middle of summer. Ya gotta love Austin — the live music capital of the world where we also say “Keep Austin Weird.”

Everyone except for a short young woman, obviously new to Public Transportation (as she was sitting in the frontmost seat closest to the door). Her eyes were electric, blue, and darting around, and she was self-consciously flicking her very-blonde hair. ‘Good for her.’ I thought, ‘This is a pretty tame bus, she’ll get to seeing public transit isn’t so bad.’

And then the bus stops in front of ACE Hardware on Nicollet. We all hear a warbling commotion approaching the door, and I think ‘Oh Shit.’ On comes an overweight man with an unkempt gray beard, a 2-liter soda bottle half filled with “water,” and a bright red santa cap. He gets his transfer, turns around to face us, and shouts:
“Ho ho hoooo, Merrryyy Christmas everybody”

He sways and staggers while looking around, and, as the bus is pretty much full, decides to sit right next to Blondie. Her eyes are nearly popping out of her head. Santa turns his head confidingly to her: “Santa’s a little drunk, so he can’t uuuse the reindeer”

She says nothing, and the bus moves on. Just before the Nicollet/24th stop, Santa turns to her again, clears his throat, and says (somewhat) quietly “How would youuu like to sit on Santa’s lap?”

She looks directly at me, and I pull the string, looking at her and then the door, as if to say ‘Okay, you should get off now!” We get to the stop and she flies out of the bus with her cellphone in hand. Santa looks out at Blondie dejectedly as we turn onto 24th, but she is too busy to notice, standing on the corner and hysterically talking into her phone.

Did I mention this happened in June?

Thanks, #17 bus driver! Crisis averted.

You could see him holding the 50¢ senior citizen fare in his slightly shaky hand, and oddly enough, a tennis racquet. He moved towards the farebox, but it was covered up, so the driver again said “Free ride today”. I couldn’t hear if he said anything, but he paused and then slowly turned around and started to leave the bus.

The driver again tried to explain that the ride was free today, and the next bus might not be free, but the man just continued off the bus to wait for the next 17.

The Bus driver sees this and says, “Get off or at the next stop the police will take you off. No response. So the driver starts calling the transit cops and the drunk grabs the bus driver trying to take the phone. I’m 6′4” 250 lbs. so I have a responsibility here!

I go up to the guy and say, “Hey, you don’t need to be grabbing the bus driver.” He just stands there and calls me honky and other such epithets. I put both my hands on either side of the rails just waiting for him to make a move. He tries throwing a punch, but it was pretty bad. I just push him back a little.

The transit cops show up and haul the guy off to detox.

What was wrong was that they stormed to the back of the bus and started picking a fight with a couple women who were sitting in the back of the bus. After a few insults were shouted, one of the (wo)men either threw a punch or pushed one of the women. The driver continued driving, but locked the back door so that nobody could get off. The (wo)men stomped to the front of the bus and said they’d wait right there to be let off as the driver called the Transit Police, then finally had the bright idea to go back to the back exit and break the glass on the emergency exit lever. Jumping off the bus, they ran back towards downtown.

The driver continued picking people up while talking to the police. The driver was by the way not by any stretch of the imagination a native speaker of English, so his attempts to describe the runaway transvestites wound up being “I think they might have been gay!” We all know that there is a difference between “gay” and “cross-dresser” but hey, I think the man did the best he could under very stressful circumstances.

Another man got on the bus and started yelling at the driver for calling the police, thinking he was calling about someone who was currently on the bus. I explained to him what was going on; the man’s opinon was that it should be ‘let go’ because the suspects had fled, and he wanted to get home, which was three blocks away, and he said “I’m lazy, I don’t want to walk.”

The driver finally pulled up at Nicollet and 24th and the Transit Police arrived. At that moment, all the witnesses (except for myself and the women who were targetted) left the bus and made a run for it, probably to avoid making statements. The Transit Policemen interviewed us, then the bus was on it’s way.

And I’ve never witnessed anything like this on the 5 which I ride every day, and that’s supposed to be the dangerous route!

The bus slowed for the next stop, and two blind men stood up. The woman standing in the steps looked at me and said, “they’re going to want to get off,” her tone suggesting that I move out of the way.

No kidding! Did she think I too was blind, and couldn’t see that people might want to exit the bus? Or that I’ve never ridden a bus before, and thus wouldn’t understand what is signified by people standing as we near a stop? Did she think I was the one standing on the steps, blocking the doors?

It’s monday morning on a warm, crowded bus. Please don’t patronize me with your supposed bus-smartness!